Emotional instability these days are an inspiration

…in my case, at least.

I’ve been reading some of my past entries and realized that I wrote all of them whenever I felt like I was at my lowest.  And by lowest, I mean when I’m thinking about him, and how everything pertaining to him just never worked out for me.

Fortunately for me, though, my thoughts have been preoccupied with mundane yet crucial things such as where I’ll be working this summer, when I’m going to have my wisdom tooth taken out, what I want to buy for myself, what I want to eat–things that, for once, revolve around me and me alone.

You might say that I’ve always been a narcissist, as I post pictures of myself in my other social networking sites and blog about my day non-stop.  You could even say that this blog already revolves around my sole existence and my own views on my disordered love life, which is mainly centered on my unrequited affections and biased ideas.

But for once, really, I feel like I’m only worrying about things that I actually have a choice in.

I’m not saying I haven’t worried about the aforementioned subjects before.  I’m just saying that whenever I am bored or I find a bit of time for myself, I think about him and things that might have been or could’ve been but were really just not within my control.  Which is why, really, I’m happy that whatever I’m worrying about are things that I could have a say in–I can choose what companies I could apply in, when I’ll undergo that dreaded wisdom tooth operation, whether I buy myself liquid or powdered blushers, whether I want to eat in Omakase.  You know, stuff like that.

And honestly, even if right now, I’m still able to slightly mention him, I haven’t really thought about him since I made that angry post.  I guess this time around, I’ve grown indifferent to the lack of his presence in my life and am finally moving on once and for all without any sort of closure whatsoever.

To be honest, we were supposed to talk about whatever else I felt about him and how we were supposed to settle it.  The only reason why we didn’t push through was because he was busy then and I told him that he should only talk to me about it when nothing else is on his mind.  But seeing as there will always be other things on his mind that he’ll prioritize, I doubt that’s going to happen.

So I’m glad, so glad, that I’m able to make that kind of closure on my own with the idea that whatever we had (or what I thought we had) was not co-natural with my own life.  After all, as one of my great professors once told me, “one cannot pin his future on the coat tail of somebody else.”

And in this case, I need to live my life the way I want to, and love the way I want to.

“Love comes to those who still hope although they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe although they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love although they’ve been hurt before.”-Anonymous

I’m angry.

because I realized that you’re one of the reasons why a big chunk of my dream is crushed.

Of course, for the most part, my decision-making at certain points in my life was just plain erroneous, and perhaps I still lacked some maturity to fully see the long term effect of my actions then.  But one of those major, objectively disordered choices was loving you and chasing after you, and I would never have made that choice if I never met you or if you’ve never been so careless about making false promises that kept me hoping.

So for that, I blame you.  I should have never chased after something that I knew would never be mine if I only knew that doing so would ruin a small yet important part of my dream.

For that, I hate you.  Completely.

But for all its worth, I know I’m going to be stronger because of this.  But I’m not thanking you, because it’s not like your existence made me realize how much I’m worth; the circumstances did.  And I’m not thanking you for the shit you made me put up with, because I don’t deserve that kind of treatment for me to see my own value.  All I’m thanking you for is the fact that you rejected me, because if not, I would have been tied down to someone whose value isn’t even close to mine.

Because of this, I’ll be walking fifty steps ahead of you and make myself better.  I know deep inside myself that I can never bring myself to love someone who trampled upon a part of my dream, no matter how small it is.  I’m going to work on what’s left of that dream, because, at the very least, a big part of it is still left.  Perhaps if I kept on chasing after you and swallowing my pride, not a part of that dream for myself would be left and I would eventually choke on the pride I kept swallowing just for you.

In the end, I realized: my dreams are so much worth chasing than going after you.  And more importantly, I will ALWAYS love myself more than I would have ever loved you.

So for that, here’s a big F*CK YOU. And I wish you all the best, except your best will never be as good as mine.

I got an interesting advice…

from my aunt yesterday.

 

We were on the topic of what I’ve achieved in my life so far and how I should set more long-term goals for myself to gradually work on.  Of course, I already have some goals in mind, although there was one thing she asked me that struck me the most: “Do you plan on getting a boyfriend any time soon?”

I told her, of course, that the idea has crossed my mind many times, and that the main reason is the fact that I haven’t found a person I’d like to be with.  Or maybe I have, as you guys could all tell, except that person does not reciprocate my feelings in the way I’d like him to.  My aunt knows all of this and thus gave me some advice on how to get a boyfriend.

Truthfully, I am not at all desperate to get one.  I admit, I once was in my earlier years of high school, in which I wanted to experience a young and sweet romance filled with spontaneity.  Except, along with that desire came a volatility in terms of the decisions I made with boys that I didn’t think I could commit as much as I wanted to.  I do know, though, that I am more emotionally prepared now, especially since I’ve been able to stabilize my values and emotions to a point that I am certain that I know what I want and I know how to get it.

Along with that knowledge comes the fact that I know I’m still capable of getting a boyfriend without much help.  I’m not sexy at all and I’m not a head-turner, but I know that I don’t look bad at all.  With all modesty, I’ve been called “cute” by many people of the opposite sex, and I have been hit on several times in random places (especially when I used to wear my high school uniform when I commuted).  Recently, a number of guys have attempted to make a move on me and get to know me more as well, except I just didn’t give them a chance to.  That’s why I know that despite my flaws and such, I’m still somewhat desirable (to a certain extent).

I told this all to my aunt and she understood.  I’m not at all ugly, and we both agreed that maybe if I lost a little bit more weight, I would look more attractive.  But she also told me that based on her experiences with guys that are around my age, my chubby build would be one of their not-so-major concerns.  When I heard this, I was a bit shocked, especially due to my own views of men and the fact that I know how many of them can be unreasonably shallow.  Yet my aunt, who holds more knowledge than I do, told me looks play a major part, but not in the way I thought them out to be.

So here’s the advice she gave me on guys and what they prefer in one’s appearance.  What she told me made sense, and perhaps it is not at all applicable to all men out there, but it does make sense when juxtaposed to the fact that our culture is still a bit more conservative than that of other societies:

1.)  Guys do not like girls with (artificial) light colored hair- Of course, I did not know nor believe in this, especially since dyed hair can sometimes add an “oomph” to a girls’ appearance.  But my aunt said that the guys don’t exactly dislike it because of the way it looks on a girl, but because of the message it gives.  She told me that guys think of girls with lightly colored hair as high maintenance and too “fierce” for them.  This is because dyeing one’s hair would require costly maintenance for it, and a high maintenance girl for a guy would translate to someone who is hard to please.  Thus, they avoid these girls as much as possible.

2.)  Guys like simple girls- This, I’ve already heard before, except I was always confused on what the meaning of “simple” really is.  Simply put, guys don’t like girls who look like they’re high maintenance.  Besides the dyed hair, most of them apparently prefer girls with no nail polish, who look decent and clean, and those that look approachable.

3.) Guys don’t like girls who seem to be smarter than them- Not the first time I’ve heard this, either.  Guys get intimidated easily.  ’Nuff said.

4.) Guys don’t like girls who dress up showing their cleavages- Unless you’re already taken, guys apparently wouldn’t like someone whose assets are there for everyone to see.  Reasonable, although I always thought that this kind of tactic would attract guys.  But alongside that thought came the idea that the kind of guys I would probably attract are the wrong kins (or basically, those who aren’t the relationship type at all).

After she told me all these four facts, I immediately knew why she did, besides the fact that we were along the lines of such topics.  First of all, I have lightly colored hair that is almost considered blonde when hit by sunlight.  Second, even if I seldom paint my nails and that the way I dress is decent enough, I still look unapproachable and snobby (according to some people), and definitely high maintenance.  Third, my aunt said I have a tendency to use highfalutin words in conversations (although I really do not notice), I can be very opinionated, and I sometimes spew out random bits of knowledge that make me seem like a know-it-all.  Fourth, she’s seen me a couple of times wearing clothing that expose my…errr…assets without my intention whatsoever,

In short, she gave me such advice because I am a girl who seems to be intimidating and high-maintenance.

In my defense to such assumptions (which other guys probably already have when looking at me), I can’t really say much about my dyed hair.  I dye it because I want to try having gyaru-like hair when I’m still young and when I can still carry it.  I don’t want to have dyed hair when I’m working already and look like a cheap bimbo in a corporate suit.  As for the way I dress, I am more conscious of what I unconsciously/consciously show nowadays, but I’m not at all sure if it’s the way I dress or the way I carry my clothes that make it seem that I’m high maintenance and intimidating.  I just know I like to look fashionable and that people could see that I put in some effort in picking out my outfit as opposed to just throwing anything on.  Then there’s also the way I speak, which I don’t have much control over, since I’m just the type who reads a lot and I like sharing my knowledge with other people.  It is not in my intention to make them feel all inferior or anything, and I just think that sharing my opinions with others would lead to more interesting conversations.

Again, I told this to my aunt, and she said that from the way I act, it seems that I am not ready for a boyfriend nor do I seriously desire to have one.  According to her, I have to somewhat suit myself to their preference even just a little bit.  Dyeing my hair back to a darker shade, being a bit more low profile in terms of how I dress, smiling more and being a bit less intelligent-sounding– these could actually work to my advantage.  Thinking about it now, I do agree that she makes a lot of sense and that perhaps, some of these can actually boost the progress of me finding “the one.”  Except, I’m not so sure if I am so keen on following these advice because I am a firm believer of being truthful to oneself and making the most out of life.

But it also made me think that if I am not willing to adjust myself to someone else’s tastes, maybe I am not seriously looking for a relationship right now just like my aunt said.  Relationships require effort, and part of the process is adjusting.  If I can’t minimally adjust to someone else’s preferences now, what more for when I need to adjust greatly for them in the future?  It makes sense, and maybe, I really just want to please myself right now, living my life to the fullest before I venture into anything serious with someone else.  Shopping to my heart’s content, eating in nice places without having to be judged as high maintenance by somebody else, making any desired alterations on my hair and other parts of my body, giving my own piece of mind on certain issues– these are things that I enjoy doing now, even if I don’t have anyone else with me.

But at the same time, I’d also like to know what it’s like to go on not just one, but multiple dates with the same person.  I want to go with that person to watch movies at home or in the mall, talk at a coffee shop, go eat at random places like a random restaurant or even just by a random street vendor stall, go to interesting places like those out of the city or even just Chinatown, text that person the whole day or maybe even Skype with him all night, and share random hugs and kisses with that person.  These things, really, are the ones I’d like to experience at this point in my life as well and I just wish I don’t have to sacrifice the previous hobbies or interests that I like doing for myself.

Because honestly, even if I do dye my hair and dress up intimidatingly, I am not very picky with places to eat or things to do.  I don’t always have money with me (contrary to what most people think), and a random date at a park or even just at home would be more fulfilling than going to a mall.  I’m a home-y person, and I like sleeping and bumming around all day.  I’m also quite conservative in terms of my choice of words and actions towards the person I like, despite my crass and blunt personality that everyone seems to be aware of.  I can also be quite silly, as I do have moments wherein I ask stupid questions or make weird assumptions and come up with bizarre ideas about anything in the world.  I’m not as intimidating as most people first perceive me as, and quite frankly, many would agree with me on this fact once you get to know me.

But, of course, men do not know these things unless they actually do start to get to know me.  They’ll only see my hair, my style, and only hear my words upon which they will base their judgments on.

 

So really, must I sacrifice what I currently love in order to attain a love that I truly wish to experience as of now?  And would sacrificing some things ultimately mean that I have to stop being myself just a little bit until I am already in a relationship?

 

Because the least  I’d like to do is to keep secrets from the person I want to be with and deceive him by not truly being myself to the fullest.

Ne…

I’m smart enough to know that I’m being stupid over this.

 

I’m very thankful with everything that’s going on in my life right now, and I’m happy despite the minor obstructions that come my way.  Lately, summer has been boring and all I’ve done is sleep, but alongside that, I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about him at all.

Thoughts of his existence seldom cross my mind nowadays.  Maybe this is for the best, but a part of me is too stubborn to let go and it refuses to accept the fact that even my brain is starting to adjust to a world without him.  But then again, how many times in a day, or much less a year, does he even allocate to think about me, right?  For once, things seem to be fair for me because I don’t even have to try to hard to forget him anymore.  My body and everything else is adjusting to this set-up, and all I have to do is let loose.

Although, I just don’t want to make it seem that letting loose would be equal to forgetting him.  Because I can never do that.  Ever.

Sorry.

Because I’ve been too selfish.

But it’s been harder these days, and I’ve been missing you quite dearly.

 

I tried.  I tried my best to live a life without you.  I was swamped with tests, projects, stress, and a whole lot of trials and tribulations that were enough to keep me busy.  But in the end, I would still think about you from time to time, wondering how you are, hoping you were holding up well against your own battles.

 

I’m sorry that I had to tell you about what I felt and the whirlwind of these feelings that continue to stir up inside of me, because I want to be honest.  I’ve always been honest towards you, and for once, I tried hiding it, but it did me much worse.  I tried to obliterate you from my life, except in the end, I was the one that was messed up.

 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that I had to love you, and that my heart is too stubborn to accept that you will never love me back.

I’m harsh.

I’m harsh to people of the opposite sex who want to get close to me, save for those who are there for certain benefits and nothing more.  I am harsh to those who are nice, who are willing to love me, and who seem to want to get to know me for who I am.  I am harsh to these kind people, and I will continue to be harsh perhaps until the far future.

 

You ask me: Why?

 

I answer: because no matter what anyone says, they are not you.

 

 

I don’t mean to blame you, but you’ve had me completely and I’m still struggling to be freed from your clutches.  Thanks for fucking me up.

Masochistic

How cruel.

That my emotions refuse to obey me, continuing to voice out a love that is forbidden and will never be reciprocated.

That my thoughts speak of possibly reveling in someone else’s affections while being unable to respond to that person’s feelings.

That in the end, my heart, despite my brain’s attempts to block out its voice, continues to scream, “I love you! I miss you!”

How cruel that in the end, you will never know of the pain I’m going through.

Why can’t I just stop being a coward and tell you what I feel?

No amount of cacophonies and earphones could ever prevent your voice from reaching my ears.  Your voice still continues to ring inside my head as you called me thrice this morning, despite my successful attempt at pretending to have ignored you accidentally.

To be honest, I wanted to look back so badly.  I wanted to turn around, say hi, and smile like as if nothing was wrong and I’ve always been okay. But I can’t keep on pretending; something is wrong, and I’m not okay.

It took me all my strength to walk away and carry on with my nonchalant strides towards my destination earlier.  I told myself I couldn’t look back, because looking at you and acknowledging your presence would be synonymous to acknowledging your existence in my life.  And, like I said, I have to forget beyond the ultimatum I’ve indicated.

I won’t lie, I still love you.  But I have to make an effort to love myself a little bit more, because you’ll never love me back, and I can’t keep trying to live a life that’s not meant for me–and that is, a life that has you in it.

Maybe…

I’m making too much of a big deal out of it.

I mean, we’re all stressed, right? So maybe, the little things, including ourselves and each other, rile us up.  And this pressure probably is just bringing the worst out of us, and if we had a choice, we wouldn’t even get pissed.

 

But I’m honestly getting tired, and I’m sure everyone else is, too.  These days, I don’t like seeing familiar faces, besides those of my friends’ who’ve always been there for me.  I want to be happy, be motivated, and I want to be given a reason to strive harder without having to feel stupid and daunted all the time.

 

Yet for now, I’ll use all the discouragement I’m getting as motivation to try harder and to save myself from the current obnoxiousness that seems to be more apparent these days.  Plus, I’ll try to stop feeling awkward around you guys, and maybe I’ll detach myself from our usual friendly conversations.  Because really, I always thought friendship+work= chaos.

Honestly?

I won’t say that I don’t care, but I don’t care THAT much to prod you again.

 

If you’re mad at me, or have something against me, fine.  Because you know what, I can live with that.

 

Don’t flatter yourself into thinking you’re important to me enough for me to feel depressed about you.  If anything, I just feel pissed.  So really, go be mad at me all you want.  Because my world will still spin regardless of what you think.  You don’t mean that much to me.

 

 

And folks, this is the reason why I’m not so nice.  If my mom knew how much bullshit I have to take from people every day, then she’ll know that I’m already as nice as I can get.