These days, I’ve never gotten the chance to mourn for you. I have had other things on my mind that I have needed to address, and I needed to take care of them during my “free time” (which, ironically, is not so free anymore) instead of spending said time on thinking about you.
But after I’ve shed blood, sweat and tears for the past few days, I’m going to allocate today, Valentine’s Day, to internally grieve for you.
Because today is the day I say goodbye once and for all. Today is the day I’ll leave with you my heart which you stole and attempt to make another one which may not necessarily be the same but still a heart nonetheless.
The difference between the heart you stole and the heart I may form would probably be shown in how I would love anyone else in the future, or as to what extent I can love again, but loving one person will be never be the same as to how I were to love another.
Today, I’d like to say goodbye because I have lost all reason to hang on to the hope that perhaps, you genuinely care about me. When this day ends, I have lost the day which I have used as a pathetic excuse to prolong my pain and despair.
Through the days and numerous months, I have learned how I could cope, but maybe not necessarily live, without you. I am still able to attain my immediate goals, go through the mundane struggles a pre-adult would go through and remain physically unscathed, and have fun amidst all of the hardships. As I have suggested, coping may not be living, but all those who live are not necessarily alive in the inside.
And in my case, I think you’ve already killed me numerous times before that it would take me a long time to resurrect again. Long as that time may be, though, I am trying my best to speed the process up for myself. But it remains slow each and every time you say something that would make me feel touched nonchalantly. For you, anything you throw in the air may probably be just some whimsical promise you’re eventually going to break, but to me, it’s a promise that is worth holding onto. And after several times of dangling on a heartstring, waiting for you to keep whatever promise you made, I’ve become jaded and cold, realizing that you can never stick to your word.
So right now, I’d finally like to stop keeping my hopes up, and like I said, I finally want to move on and attempt to live a life that may not be mine just yet (for I am still the me who loves you, and not the I who does not care about you), but will probably be mine eventually after doing my best to forget you.
This time, I’d like to lessen the burden upon myself and stop trying to be the girl you’ll eventually love amidst trying to be the best daughter, the best girl I can be for myself.
I’d like to stop thinking about you whenever you’re far away.
I’d like to stop comparing you to every person who would show their interest in me.
I’d like to stop spending whatever free time I have feeling sad about you not loving me.
I’d like to stop loving you once and for all.
So really, goodbye.
